Finally something coming out of this half-life I've been trying to masquerade as full. I'm pumping my body full of iced frappuccinos, rinsing out the glass bottle after it's empty- each time my hands shake a little more when I place the bottle in the drying rack. I think I'm evening off now though because of the chill-out I just smoked.

I'm going to escape and get upside-downed and drowned.

CHAR in CHARge ep.3

that's right bitches. that's right.

gimme your hands

'cause you're wonderful


i have seen the water lifted from its body into the air. i have been lifted from my own body in a ceremonious departure of pin pricks and soft fingertips. a heaven inches above where i lay.
it's like learning a new language.
and now that i know where home is, maybe i feel safer in my own skin. Because when i first returned my skin was a mess of tears and cool shivers.
it was strange to be tugged out of what i thought there was. only to be able to see what really is there and to be forced back in.
into a sack of balloons and straws. a ball pit inside a leather bag.

i want handcuffs next time. so maybe i won't be so tempted to try and leave.

p.s. i'll get the next episode up as soon as the work levels off...

heavy weight wrestler, fight me in your comforter.

CHAR in CHARge ep.2

Phone Massage


What a day, I tell ya...


Some days aren't yours at all,
they come and as if they're someone else's days.
I feel serious about learning, expanding. I don't want to just scrape by anymore.
This has to make some kind of difference in my life. I can't have moved so far from everything to repeat the past four years (although I'd very much like to). It's weird and difficult to explain. My prof for sex and gender said it best when she called it "difficult knowledge". When you are overly seduced or repulsed by something you hadn't known before. Like a system overload. You over-react and you under-analyze.
But this is not the time nor the place for such things. I am not going to the classes to teach, I am going to learn. For Once.

CHAR in CHARge ep.1

THIS IS WHAT I MISS



This is the only episode like this, I promise.

who will build the great wall?

spinning women with bobbing skirts like parachutes.
i missed your call and you sounded so sad on the phone.
it makes my insides curl around to the small of my back all at once.
it's just like the movies
and right now is that part of the film where the montage of my university education kicks in, lasting only minutes instead of years.
come on, anytime now...
all i can think about for days is you inside me, but there are so many walls.
so, who was the one who built the great wall? was it the emperor with all his fine silks and charm (concubines)? or, the answer seemingly in the majority, the evil white queen; with her rings and eyelashes that touch the ground.
it's certainly difficult to be certain, that's for sure.

all i can worry about for days is what might be growing inside me, but there are so many variables and so little cash. your absence is making this worse. every doubtful thought as to my health and every horrible thought as to your growing distance is making me shake like milk and strawberry ice-cream in a little metal cup. i can still smell you in the air around me and it makes me nauseous to think it'll be so much longer 'til i can bury my face in your shirt. i found the thin/curved mark of human teeth on my shoulder this morning and my eyes welled up with something strange and wet. i miss those mouth fossils of yours. please call me, and please don't get lost in that silver mine.

now that that drama's out, EVERYBODY look out for my first broadcast of "CHAR IN CHARge"
that's right. now i'm in AUDIO/VISUAL for the masses.